Salty Conversation

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Colossians 4: 6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. ESV

      Often, the smallest comment can go a long way in helping a friend feel less alone, more normal, and more empowered to love her hubby better.

Here are a few examples of some conversations, seasoned with Salt.

      Head in the Window

    When I was much younger, having a rough time in my love life, my Bible Study leader saw me load up my stroller after a morning class. Her car happened to be parked near me, so she came over to my open window and poked her head in (almost too far for my comfort). With a sparkle and a wink she asked, “Hey, Girl, how’s it goin’?” Glancing back at my year-apart toddlers, she added, “Hey, have you gotten any new ‘nighties’ lately?”

    What!? Did I look deprived, depressed, or debilitated!? I was not particularly happy with her point blank accosting of my love life. I felt a wee bit “buttonholed,” you could say. But I prayed on the way home, asking God why this question bothered me.

    Then I realized it wasn’t the topic. Nor that her words were inappropriate. It was that I inwardly winced at doing the work of forgiving, taking more initiative, and thus improving my marriage relationship. I was put into the position of having to take stock of my attitude. (I had been wearing those Granny Gowns quite often lately…)

    God has used the “head in the window” experience to give me more courage to say something to women, even tho’ I might not say that

     Here are a few more examples of what I mean.

     Sharp-eyed Friend

    My girlfriend came over for lunch and noticed that my bedroom was changed around, spruced up a bit. “Hey, you really fixed up your room! Nice! But what did you do with the TV?”  

    Here was my golden opportunity to reply, “Well, the TV wasn’t much help to our love life, so we took it out. Now we are more “tuned in” to each other at bedtime…”

    Big Tub

     Another time, when some friends showed us around their new home, the bathroom  “centerpiece,” a whirlpool tub, could hardly be ignored. So instead of ignoring it, I said, “Don’t you love the big tub? I hope you guys get good use out of that. Man, we’d sure use it if we had one!!”

    You’re right. She had nothing to say. Quick change of topic. “My, the mashed potatoes are so creamy!” (dinner conversation quote from “While You Were Sleeping.”) But this didn’t spoil the evening. It may have improved the evening for both couples! (Our tub may be smaller, but…)

    Restroom Conversation

    Have you ever overheard a church restroom conversation?  I once heard a woman say to another, “My folks are keeping the kids this weekend, and we’re going to (a romantic place) for his birthday.”

    “Oh, really?”

    “Yup. That’s the only birthday present he wants…. a whole lot of special alone time. And he’s going to get it.”

   The tone I picked up was celebratory and grateful. And, well, I loved overhearing it so much I decided to book a hotel for my husband’s next birthday.

    Our marriages are truly meant to change the world.

    But platitudes don’t work. Pat answers with rote phrases we’ve heard all our lives don’t work, either. People need success stories, or an approach that’s been proven in the here and now, like yesterday. Our complicated, often confusing, up and down love life could actually bless others, simply by our perspective. We are learning and leaning on Christ for help, so we have seeds to sow. Those “salty” out loud seeds may cause a friend to ask,  “How does she have such a good attitude about sex? Hmmm…does God live in even this part of everyday life? Do I really know Him? I guess I should be less selfish in this area…”

   Remember that the value of salt in Bible times wasn’t only for flavoring, but even more for preserving. We are to preserve Truth, and hinder the deterioration of marriage.

    Here’s the Salty Challenge:

1.) LEARN something to improve your own marriage in this area, and then..  

2.) ACT on what you learned.

3.) Then look for an opportunity to SAY something to a friend – appropriately – when the time seems right.

   I can’t tell you how much you girls have encouraged me by your comments!! Have you ever discreetly spoken up on behalf of great love-making in marriage? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

What’s Up?

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A new class! Hillside Fellowship Church in Bulverde, Texas recently began a class called Autumn Women Engaged. For short, A.W.E. We are thrilled to announce both the classes at the church and the local library, along with an important survey. Today I’d like to share a little bit about both.

The reigning mindset of many autumn women regarding marital intimacy is “Been There, Done That, Stashed the T-shirt in a Box in the Garage”, or “I am full of busy days with work, grandkids, and church activities…lived so long without lovemaking, I hardly remember what it was like.”

Our class purpose is to challenge women according to God’s word in Hebrews 6:12 “…..so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.”

As far as I have studied and read about the metaphor of Christ and the Church, His Bride, lovemaking in marriage doesn’t have a shelf-life. Instead it becomes more and more necessary as the years go by- that is, if we are to keep from killing each other either with kitchen utensils, or boredom. Really, no amount of travel, or material stuff, or grandkids can fill the void of a lifeless marriage.

So, the challenge becomes, if it’s been a long time since you were interested, earnestly ask, “Is this really what God wants?” And then ask, “Is this what Hubby wants, too?” Have you even asked either one? Or do you think you just know?  If he doesn’t seem to care, how does it make you feel? Relieved? Rejected? Or maybe, if the truth were told, his complaint actually is, “It’s been way, way, too long…” And he has more or less given up by default.

Do you have any idea what’s going on out there? Like in other homes of women your age? While most men and women still sleep in the same room at night (I know of many who don’t), they often retire at different times and get up at different times. They have their own side of a huge king-bed and their own regimen of reading, pillow plumping, and drifting off to sleep. Sound like your house? So we have added an important survey to this site. The women involved in A.W.E. would be so grateful if you would go to that page and take the survey. We truly want to know what issues to address in our classes. Link to our survey HERE.

We want to put the left side of the brain into action- the cognitive side, as opposed to the right, creative and emotion-driven side. When it comes to lovemaking we often think that if we’re not in the mood, we are “dead in the water” and nothing is going to happen. Especially if we just don’t want to. We are actually ruled by the “don’t wanna, ain’t gonna, can’t make me” mindset. And if I were to jolt you out of that mindset, I would have to do it on the left side. The side where facts rule, not emotions. So getting the flow of love back into the marriage may have to be considered a mental, emotional, and spiritual discipline. Often we must choose to love a naughty child. God chose to die for us even knowing we have all rejected Him and gone our own way. Can you decide to go to the left side of the brain with me even in this difficult topic?

If so, where would we begin?

Let’s begin by making one basic assumption. Our husbands need respect just as we need love, and respect means many things, sometimes words of admiration or love. But for many respect is spelled s-e-x. If you are willing to accept that premise, even if he shows signs of disinterest**, this class is for you.

Here’s what our classes will be covering. You are invited to read, think, then add your comments.

  1. First, we’ll cover some of the many benefits of this part of marriage- physiological, emotional, and practical- facts we forgot or never knew. Working on the left side of the brain means using my will to “do the right thing;” but I have to be convinced of the facts. We’ll also learn about the Three R’s from the left side.
  2. After accepting the benefits of lovemaking, what comes first, a discussion or “making a move?” You’ll decide which, then, based on the Three R’s we’ll help you plan the discussion. Here is where “priming the pump” gets practical.
  3. Then, how do I “make the move?” This will not be a graphic “how to.” It will be a plan any woman can implement up to the point where a normal husband would gladly take over.

**Some of you suffer with feelings of rejection. I hope to do a series on the problem of a husband’s lack of interest. Right now I can assure you that you must get out of the right side of your brain where anger and pain rule. That is your beginning. We have more to talk about and that’s what our classes will do. We’ll keep a keen eye on what can happen with a new attitude.